Imagine if you will...
Once upon a time...
Ayortha, a kingdom of beauty and song; of song more than anything else. Music rules the day as the people sing to heal and to play.
One Ayorthaian, Aza, has the purest voice in the entire kingdom. She wins the hearts of the kind prince Ijori, a brute of a duchess of Olixo, the kingdom, and a scheming queen. The only thing is, she isn't the fairest of them all. Abused by the people because of her looks, Aza is shy and intimidated by the world.
When she befriends newlywed Queen Ivi of Ayortha, her world turns upside down as she conquers her fears, loves and predudices based on her looks. Aza soon finds out that her life is more at risk than her looks.
Loosely based of of the Fairy Tale Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, author of Ella Enchanted, Gail Carson Levin's musical and magical novel Fairest, pits one girl who must accept who she is before anyone else can, against a society that loves beauty; and not just in a voice.
Aza is a young country girl who goes to the wedding of her Kingdom's King, Oscaro, to the foreign Queen, Ivi. When Oscaro is severely injured to the point of death, Ivi takes control. With the aide of a mysterious advisor, Ivi Not only almost cancel an important ritual, called a Sing, that would ultimately save the king's life, but she dissolves the Kingdom all-important counsel, as well as throwing policies and making absurd declarations. Because of her "laissez-faire" attitude and her squandering the fortune on Aza, her new lady-in-waiting, she soon becomes the most hated Queen in Ayortha.
Aza also must provide the Queen with an Ayorthaian singing voice, which Ivi begrudgingly does not possess. Personally labelling herself as an imposter, Aza finds it difficult to not only avoid the Prince Ijori, but to lie right in front of him as well.
But with ingenuity, courage and cunning like an ogre, Aza learns about her mysterious past, wins the love of Ijori and the adoration of the Kingdom.
That's the book, hows that for a movie?
Friday, July 24, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
The Butterfly~Part Two
Green-Worm, who possessed a pair of beautiful wings sprang from the root in which he hid for an entire winter and flew out beyond the shadowy oak tree.
His new features enabled him to soar over the ocean of grass, patches of snow still melting in the warm sunlight. Green-Worm couldn't help to smile as he sailed away from the tree to which he was forever trapped. He felt as if his little heart would burst.
Inches called out again, or something that sounded like Inches could be heard. Where it was coming from, Green-Worm didn't know, but he knew it was trouble, he only followed his instincs.
He came to a clearing where Inches' yells were at their peak loudness. Green-Worm looked around. He fluttered down gently on a blade of grass and used his antennea to listen or at least feel where Inches was. Suddenly, he turned and there was Inches stuck and curled up on web.
At first, Green-Worm thought Inches was going through what he was... the silver thread that turned him into this winged creature, but he had heard about these webs. Beautiful hanging things, but created by a creature with 8 legs, black as night, and vicious killer. But he knew he had to save Inches.
It must be some kind of trap, Green-Worm thought as he approached the web.
"Come closer," someone whispered. "Closer, closer, closer..." The whisper grew harsher. Green-Worm place on a hand on the web and his hand was stuck fast. He pulled as hard as he could many times, but the web wouldn't let go.
Something was coming, one two three legs appeared. Green-Worm was frightened. Four, five, six... the monster who had created the web was coming. Seven, eight... Spider appeared. Seductively she crawled onto the web. Green-Worm pulled his hand finally free, but tore the web as he did.
Spider shrieked and began to fix her trap. This gave Green-Worm enough time to pry the bundle that was Inches free from the web.
Darkness. Fear. Cold. That's how it felt in the sticky cocoon that contained poor Inches. Nothingness surrounded him. A light shines through. Is it a tunnel? Should he follow it? It gets bigger, and bigger, and bigger. Suddenly a hand pulls him out and...
Green-Worm pulled out his dear friend and held him. Held him fast and tight.
"I would have come sooner!" Green-Worm sobbed.
"I knew you would," Inches sighed in relief. "I was scared." They looked at each other. Inches had grown... probably an inch, Green Worm thought. Inches stared at Green-Worms wings.
"What?" Green-Worm asked.
"Nothing," Inches defended. "You look... beautiful! What happened?"
Green-Worm laughed. "It's a long story..."
***
Moral of the story? You figure it out.
Until next time!
His new features enabled him to soar over the ocean of grass, patches of snow still melting in the warm sunlight. Green-Worm couldn't help to smile as he sailed away from the tree to which he was forever trapped. He felt as if his little heart would burst.
Inches called out again, or something that sounded like Inches could be heard. Where it was coming from, Green-Worm didn't know, but he knew it was trouble, he only followed his instincs.
He came to a clearing where Inches' yells were at their peak loudness. Green-Worm looked around. He fluttered down gently on a blade of grass and used his antennea to listen or at least feel where Inches was. Suddenly, he turned and there was Inches stuck and curled up on web.
At first, Green-Worm thought Inches was going through what he was... the silver thread that turned him into this winged creature, but he had heard about these webs. Beautiful hanging things, but created by a creature with 8 legs, black as night, and vicious killer. But he knew he had to save Inches.
It must be some kind of trap, Green-Worm thought as he approached the web.
"Come closer," someone whispered. "Closer, closer, closer..." The whisper grew harsher. Green-Worm place on a hand on the web and his hand was stuck fast. He pulled as hard as he could many times, but the web wouldn't let go.
Something was coming, one two three legs appeared. Green-Worm was frightened. Four, five, six... the monster who had created the web was coming. Seven, eight... Spider appeared. Seductively she crawled onto the web. Green-Worm pulled his hand finally free, but tore the web as he did.
Spider shrieked and began to fix her trap. This gave Green-Worm enough time to pry the bundle that was Inches free from the web.
Darkness. Fear. Cold. That's how it felt in the sticky cocoon that contained poor Inches. Nothingness surrounded him. A light shines through. Is it a tunnel? Should he follow it? It gets bigger, and bigger, and bigger. Suddenly a hand pulls him out and...
Green-Worm pulled out his dear friend and held him. Held him fast and tight.
"I would have come sooner!" Green-Worm sobbed.
"I knew you would," Inches sighed in relief. "I was scared." They looked at each other. Inches had grown... probably an inch, Green Worm thought. Inches stared at Green-Worms wings.
"What?" Green-Worm asked.
"Nothing," Inches defended. "You look... beautiful! What happened?"
Green-Worm laughed. "It's a long story..."
***
Moral of the story? You figure it out.
Until next time!
Saturday, July 18, 2009
The Butterfly~Part One
A long time ago, there was a little green worm. His name was Green-Worm
He was a happy little worm. Pleasantly he would eat the leaves of the huge oak tree, that was his home.
He knew how scary the world was down in the grass beneath the shadow in the tree. His mother and father told him, "If you leave the tree, many things will happen. Dangerous things." He was scared.
One day, Green-Worm's friend Inches, the inch-worm came up to him. "We should go down into th shade of the oak tree," Inches blurted. "and eat the lusious green grass."
Green-Worm was scared. "But in the shade of the oak tree," Green-Worm stammered. "dangerous things will happen."
Inches laughed. "Those are little worm stories to keep us from having fun." He explained. Green-Worm and Inches made their way to the base of the tree.
As they inched their way down the autumn bark of the oak tree, it grew darker and darker and darker. Until the world around them was as dark as night.
Inches saw the blades of grass, still wet from the that days afternoon rain. He began gobbling up the grass. Green-Worm was hesitatant. He saw the large blades of grass and his tummy rumbled with joy. But the words of his parents froze him like ice.
"Many things will happen. Dangerous things."
Something came down from the grey sky. It fell gently down onto some of the root of the tree.
Green-Worm thought it was a star, as it glowed, but it was clear and see-through like water. When Gree-Worm touched it his hand was cold. He shivered.
"Dangerous things will happen."
Suddenly more water-star-like things fell. Inches inched as fast as he could to Green-Worm.
"Hurry!" he shouted. "We have to go back to the oak!"
It was too late, just as Inches made his way up the hill, poor Green-Worm felt too cold to climb. He found a hole in the root and crawled in.
Feeling abandoned and alone Green-Worm trembled in the cold. He was scared and alone, and he didn't know what to do.
All of a sudden, he sneezed. When he looked, there was some shiney sticky string from his mouth.
He blew out and more came out... more and more and more, until, he had enough to make a blanket. Green-Worm curled up under his blanket of shiney string and fell asleep.
He had a weird dream. He saw pictures in his head. He saw wings, he saw spring flowers, color, Inches, his best friend and how he was left abandoned. Then he saw danger, hurt... something was wrong, but Green-Worm couldn't, he knew he had to have wings... But what were wings.
Light peirced the darkness. Green-Worm opened his eyes. A drop of water, shaped like a tear, showed the beedy eyes that belonged to Green-Worm.
But as Green-Worm looked... he saw something come out of his back... two somethings. Two colorful somethings that took the shape of the clouds. His memory came back. Dangerous things, the shiney blanket of shiney string, the dream. Wings. Something told Green-Worm that those were wings.
"Many things will happen." Green-Worm thought. "Many things did happen."
Suddenly, he heard a cry for help. Something small, that reminded him of something... and inche, a few inches... inchworm... Inches!!!
He was a happy little worm. Pleasantly he would eat the leaves of the huge oak tree, that was his home.
He knew how scary the world was down in the grass beneath the shadow in the tree. His mother and father told him, "If you leave the tree, many things will happen. Dangerous things." He was scared.
One day, Green-Worm's friend Inches, the inch-worm came up to him. "We should go down into th shade of the oak tree," Inches blurted. "and eat the lusious green grass."
Green-Worm was scared. "But in the shade of the oak tree," Green-Worm stammered. "dangerous things will happen."
Inches laughed. "Those are little worm stories to keep us from having fun." He explained. Green-Worm and Inches made their way to the base of the tree.
As they inched their way down the autumn bark of the oak tree, it grew darker and darker and darker. Until the world around them was as dark as night.
Inches saw the blades of grass, still wet from the that days afternoon rain. He began gobbling up the grass. Green-Worm was hesitatant. He saw the large blades of grass and his tummy rumbled with joy. But the words of his parents froze him like ice.
"Many things will happen. Dangerous things."
Something came down from the grey sky. It fell gently down onto some of the root of the tree.
Green-Worm thought it was a star, as it glowed, but it was clear and see-through like water. When Gree-Worm touched it his hand was cold. He shivered.
"Dangerous things will happen."
Suddenly more water-star-like things fell. Inches inched as fast as he could to Green-Worm.
"Hurry!" he shouted. "We have to go back to the oak!"
It was too late, just as Inches made his way up the hill, poor Green-Worm felt too cold to climb. He found a hole in the root and crawled in.
Feeling abandoned and alone Green-Worm trembled in the cold. He was scared and alone, and he didn't know what to do.
All of a sudden, he sneezed. When he looked, there was some shiney sticky string from his mouth.
He blew out and more came out... more and more and more, until, he had enough to make a blanket. Green-Worm curled up under his blanket of shiney string and fell asleep.
He had a weird dream. He saw pictures in his head. He saw wings, he saw spring flowers, color, Inches, his best friend and how he was left abandoned. Then he saw danger, hurt... something was wrong, but Green-Worm couldn't, he knew he had to have wings... But what were wings.
Light peirced the darkness. Green-Worm opened his eyes. A drop of water, shaped like a tear, showed the beedy eyes that belonged to Green-Worm.
But as Green-Worm looked... he saw something come out of his back... two somethings. Two colorful somethings that took the shape of the clouds. His memory came back. Dangerous things, the shiney blanket of shiney string, the dream. Wings. Something told Green-Worm that those were wings.
"Many things will happen." Green-Worm thought. "Many things did happen."
Suddenly, he heard a cry for help. Something small, that reminded him of something... and inche, a few inches... inchworm... Inches!!!
Happy Times: Updates Galore
Aside from the best things in life, like living and playing the game of life, lots of things have changed. Apparently going back to my roots has helped... I feel just as young, happy, and naive as I was when I sixteen. Scary.
My job is fantastic, I'm earning money, I'm working on a show that goes one in a few weeks, it's really coming together, we're going to be rehearsing in the theatre, I'm going back to Vancouver, to school, to friends, to home. To live.
First of all, selecting my future courses to return to the city where my heart belongs and my soul live, was thrilling. The future looks bright and happy. Reuniting with my old new friends from school. I miss them all, and love them all so much. Like a family. It hopefully means that I'm over whatever depression I was going through. After I broke off with number 3 everything was dark, morbid, and frightening.
But then reconnecting with some old friends from decades ago has helped. I forgotten how close we were since back in the day and how much I love to laugh and no matter how much crap hits the fan, as it usually does in life, I could always talk to them and I would feel better. Let me tell you about my friday.
Remember the one straight friend I told you about? The one who said that if he were gay he would totally date me? Well, after a year, I think we both changed. For starters, aside from gaining a few pounds (I regret to write this unfortunate turn of events, but he's still sweet) is engaged to his girlfriend of 19 months. Words cannot describe how happy I was to hear this.
We met up at a store and laughed at a lot of the corny birthday cards and some of the really naughty ones too. Then we went to the larger part of town and went to have coffee. There he reconfirmed his previous statement to his passionate romance with me, were that his orientation different. He claimed even that he would "play along" if I introduced him as my boyfriend.
As if by fate, another old friend, who is doing really well nowadays, walked in. Now was my chance to call his bluff. I introduced him... and he played very well. He was naughty, witty, affectionate and I just played along with him. Afterwards I thanked him and told him he didn't have to raise his voice pitch.
Afterwards we went to the beach and pretty much talked openly about everything. The proposal, the soon to be wedding plans, sex, love and knowing. There's nothing like knowing. Knowing is when know something... obviously. Like, knowing when to say I love you, knowing when love is actually love... knowing what love is. Knowing is something I think I lack.
Near the end, I said "There are times that are really bad, but there are times when you feel really good... this is one of those good times" or something like that. To be honest I envy his engagement, but I can't help to feel overjoyed for the both of them. His words are in my heart and I feel a joy I have never felt before. To the one who shares my love of pugs, thank you.
Until next time... please spread the love... -D
My job is fantastic, I'm earning money, I'm working on a show that goes one in a few weeks, it's really coming together, we're going to be rehearsing in the theatre, I'm going back to Vancouver, to school, to friends, to home. To live.
First of all, selecting my future courses to return to the city where my heart belongs and my soul live, was thrilling. The future looks bright and happy. Reuniting with my old new friends from school. I miss them all, and love them all so much. Like a family. It hopefully means that I'm over whatever depression I was going through. After I broke off with number 3 everything was dark, morbid, and frightening.
But then reconnecting with some old friends from decades ago has helped. I forgotten how close we were since back in the day and how much I love to laugh and no matter how much crap hits the fan, as it usually does in life, I could always talk to them and I would feel better. Let me tell you about my friday.
Remember the one straight friend I told you about? The one who said that if he were gay he would totally date me? Well, after a year, I think we both changed. For starters, aside from gaining a few pounds (I regret to write this unfortunate turn of events, but he's still sweet) is engaged to his girlfriend of 19 months. Words cannot describe how happy I was to hear this.
We met up at a store and laughed at a lot of the corny birthday cards and some of the really naughty ones too. Then we went to the larger part of town and went to have coffee. There he reconfirmed his previous statement to his passionate romance with me, were that his orientation different. He claimed even that he would "play along" if I introduced him as my boyfriend.
As if by fate, another old friend, who is doing really well nowadays, walked in. Now was my chance to call his bluff. I introduced him... and he played very well. He was naughty, witty, affectionate and I just played along with him. Afterwards I thanked him and told him he didn't have to raise his voice pitch.
Afterwards we went to the beach and pretty much talked openly about everything. The proposal, the soon to be wedding plans, sex, love and knowing. There's nothing like knowing. Knowing is when know something... obviously. Like, knowing when to say I love you, knowing when love is actually love... knowing what love is. Knowing is something I think I lack.
Near the end, I said "There are times that are really bad, but there are times when you feel really good... this is one of those good times" or something like that. To be honest I envy his engagement, but I can't help to feel overjoyed for the both of them. His words are in my heart and I feel a joy I have never felt before. To the one who shares my love of pugs, thank you.
Until next time... please spread the love... -D
Sunday, July 12, 2009
An Interview with the Elephant in the Room
We all know its there, wether its an awkward moment, awkward silence, someone passing gass, someone burping, anything. We know you did it so own up.
As human beings we try to avoid awkward silences... the funny thing is that we remember those moments. Those are times of extreme bondage; well times when we bond a lot more than we usually would.
Anyway, why is it we always try to avoid these situations?
I'll tell you why. That's when this metaphorical, proverbial elephant in the room appears. And he enjoys watching people squirm.
I had a chance to sit down with Elephant In the Room and we shared some rather interesting moments together ourselves. Here is our conversation as it happened, taped recorded.
Danni: Whose there?
Elephant: It's me!
D: Oh! Thank god, for a minute I thought you were a burgler. If I hadn't seen the pink spots I wouldn't have recognized you.
E: That's fine.
D: So what's new?
E: You know me. I always love a party, just got back from this bush party.
D: What happened?
E: Well some guy, keep in mind he was plastered beyond helping, said he could jump over the campfire that they built. Bonfire more like. Well as it happens he cleared the fire landed on a conviniently place branch that was leaning on a rock, where, when he landed, sent a piece of the branch flying into the air, knocking some jock guy in the hair and knocking his girlfriend unconcious.
D: Then what happened?
E: Turns out she was a blond air head. Afterwards she was taken to the hospital, where the doctors asked what happened. They didn't say the whole story but still, there I was, clear as day. They all knew what happened.
D: Hahaha! Well, that's completely awkward. Hope she was okay.
E: She had a few stitches, thing is she didn't get homecoming queen.
D: Let me guess, you went to prom?
E: Yep, made an appearance there too.
D: Where is your favorite place to be?
E: Anywhere, where there's a crowd... airports are the best. One time there was this guy caught with a friends suitcase, thing is there was probably 50 pounds of cocain, poorly masked with cologne I might add. This guy had the suitcase, with no idea about the cocain. His friend had the other bag. So the guy is sniffed out by the dogs and he gets questioned. Meanwhile, the friend, the real culprit, booked it onto the plane.
D: Uh oh.
E: The kicker is that it was the guy who got caught's idea. HAH!
D: You're drunk aren't you?
E: Yeah, but the real kicker is this is all a dream.
D: What?
Okay so appearantly I had this crazy dream with this weird elephant dude, and it was kinda weird and awkward, but it made me thing. I think at some point I actually got around to asking him why we all avoid awkward silences and stuff. He told me it's because we live off of this thrill of being scared. People like that high feeling of adrenaline, and REALLY awkward moments are what give us that rush of adrenaline.
There are better ways to getting that thrill, such as jumping out of an airplane or boxing three matches with a punch-crazy kangaroo. What I'm saying is don't be afraid of awkward moments, live off of them like a steroid-hungry body builder... or a anarexic-starved supermodel, whatever gets you there.
Until next time...
As human beings we try to avoid awkward silences... the funny thing is that we remember those moments. Those are times of extreme bondage; well times when we bond a lot more than we usually would.
Anyway, why is it we always try to avoid these situations?
I'll tell you why. That's when this metaphorical, proverbial elephant in the room appears. And he enjoys watching people squirm.
I had a chance to sit down with Elephant In the Room and we shared some rather interesting moments together ourselves. Here is our conversation as it happened, taped recorded.
Danni: Whose there?
Elephant: It's me!
D: Oh! Thank god, for a minute I thought you were a burgler. If I hadn't seen the pink spots I wouldn't have recognized you.
E: That's fine.
D: So what's new?
E: You know me. I always love a party, just got back from this bush party.
D: What happened?
E: Well some guy, keep in mind he was plastered beyond helping, said he could jump over the campfire that they built. Bonfire more like. Well as it happens he cleared the fire landed on a conviniently place branch that was leaning on a rock, where, when he landed, sent a piece of the branch flying into the air, knocking some jock guy in the hair and knocking his girlfriend unconcious.
D: Then what happened?
E: Turns out she was a blond air head. Afterwards she was taken to the hospital, where the doctors asked what happened. They didn't say the whole story but still, there I was, clear as day. They all knew what happened.
D: Hahaha! Well, that's completely awkward. Hope she was okay.
E: She had a few stitches, thing is she didn't get homecoming queen.
D: Let me guess, you went to prom?
E: Yep, made an appearance there too.
D: Where is your favorite place to be?
E: Anywhere, where there's a crowd... airports are the best. One time there was this guy caught with a friends suitcase, thing is there was probably 50 pounds of cocain, poorly masked with cologne I might add. This guy had the suitcase, with no idea about the cocain. His friend had the other bag. So the guy is sniffed out by the dogs and he gets questioned. Meanwhile, the friend, the real culprit, booked it onto the plane.
D: Uh oh.
E: The kicker is that it was the guy who got caught's idea. HAH!
D: You're drunk aren't you?
E: Yeah, but the real kicker is this is all a dream.
D: What?
Okay so appearantly I had this crazy dream with this weird elephant dude, and it was kinda weird and awkward, but it made me thing. I think at some point I actually got around to asking him why we all avoid awkward silences and stuff. He told me it's because we live off of this thrill of being scared. People like that high feeling of adrenaline, and REALLY awkward moments are what give us that rush of adrenaline.
There are better ways to getting that thrill, such as jumping out of an airplane or boxing three matches with a punch-crazy kangaroo. What I'm saying is don't be afraid of awkward moments, live off of them like a steroid-hungry body builder... or a anarexic-starved supermodel, whatever gets you there.
Until next time...
Monday, July 6, 2009
What if... or Worse Case Scenarios 101
Ever had an embarrassing run in with someone you haven't seen in a long time? How about you make a complete and utter romantic moment into the grossest moment in your life? Or what about the time you humiliated yourself in front of a large crowd of people?
Madame Danni has your #1 solutions to almost all of the MOST embarrassing things that could ever happen to you.
1. What if you forget someone's name?
Well, that's easy, avoid the subject altogether and ask them to remind how to PRONOUNCE their names. eg. "I'm sorry, how do you pronounce your name again?... KA-thy... Kathy, right! Emphasis on the first syllable."
2. What if your fly is undone and someone rudely points it out?
A little trickier. You could make some naughty comment about a waitress/waiter in the broomcloset, but if said someone who rudely pointed out your "open barn doors" was say, a kid, then close up shop and take on the classical Tramp a la Charlie Chaplin. Shrug your shoulders and say "Whoops!"
3. What if you fumble your words by accident?
Situation one: The polite conversation.
If you say to your friend/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner/significant other/etc. "Do you want to fuck?" rather than what you were TRYING to say "Do you want the fork?" guage their reaction. Always excuse yourself. If they give you the "look" make some funny comment such as, "Well spooning usually forking, wouldn't you say?" If they give you the "other look" go back and eat your pasta.
Situation two: Screaming out the wrong name while having sex.
You're screwed if you make a joke. Answer calmly and (if they were an ex boyfriend/girlfriend/partner/significant other/etc.) stick to what career they have
E.g. "Silvia is my_" ex-gym partner/ex ice skating partner/ex agent/ex nude model/ex art instructor/ex massuse/etc.
4. What if you want to make a good impression with your in-laws?
Luckily for me, the inlaws have (so far) liked me. But if they're the kind that think you are the wrong kind of person for they're son or daughter. Remember these tips to wining over Ma and Pa-in-law.
-Remember that the in-laws are more scared of you than they are of them. Be friendly, kind, and more importantly, yourself. Don't make any sudden movements or stare them in the eye. They're like animals.
-Keep in mind that (if you are the same sex as your partner) not everyone is open-minded and some comments may arise. Don't take everything personally, they're trying their best. You may say somethings that may offend them to keep the field even. Hehe!
-Keep in mind also that (if you partner has lots of money) that you will be included in the will at some point, so a little sucking up helps. E.g. "Mrs. Martin, your prize winning rosebush just takes my breath away." Or "Mr. Burns is that a new cologne? Calvin Klein suits you."
-Eat carrots; they help you see better.
-Don't forget to show the folks how much you'll be there for their child... some parents want to know their little boy/girl/both that they will be cared for and loved.
5. What if you dial the wrong number on the phone and there's an awkward silence?
Somehow find out if their not a total creeper and invite them out for coffee. You can never make too many friends, nor can there be too much coffee. There's a blessing in every encounter.
6. What if you're waiting to meet someone and you mistake that person for the person you're waiting for?
It's not the end of the world. Apologize and then resume waiting... if you've been waiting for more than an hour though, leave. There's no point.
7. What if you lose $500, 000 Deal or No Deal in the first round?
Wait for the best offer the Banker makes and take it (At least 6 figures)!
Madame Danni has your #1 solutions to almost all of the MOST embarrassing things that could ever happen to you.
1. What if you forget someone's name?
Well, that's easy, avoid the subject altogether and ask them to remind how to PRONOUNCE their names. eg. "I'm sorry, how do you pronounce your name again?... KA-thy... Kathy, right! Emphasis on the first syllable."
2. What if your fly is undone and someone rudely points it out?
A little trickier. You could make some naughty comment about a waitress/waiter in the broomcloset, but if said someone who rudely pointed out your "open barn doors" was say, a kid, then close up shop and take on the classical Tramp a la Charlie Chaplin. Shrug your shoulders and say "Whoops!"
3. What if you fumble your words by accident?
Situation one: The polite conversation.
If you say to your friend/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner/significant other/etc. "Do you want to fuck?" rather than what you were TRYING to say "Do you want the fork?" guage their reaction. Always excuse yourself. If they give you the "look" make some funny comment such as, "Well spooning usually forking, wouldn't you say?" If they give you the "other look" go back and eat your pasta.
Situation two: Screaming out the wrong name while having sex.
You're screwed if you make a joke. Answer calmly and (if they were an ex boyfriend/girlfriend/partner/significant other/etc.) stick to what career they have
E.g. "Silvia is my_" ex-gym partner/ex ice skating partner/ex agent/ex nude model/ex art instructor/ex massuse/etc.
4. What if you want to make a good impression with your in-laws?
Luckily for me, the inlaws have (so far) liked me. But if they're the kind that think you are the wrong kind of person for they're son or daughter. Remember these tips to wining over Ma and Pa-in-law.
-Remember that the in-laws are more scared of you than they are of them. Be friendly, kind, and more importantly, yourself. Don't make any sudden movements or stare them in the eye. They're like animals.
-Keep in mind that (if you are the same sex as your partner) not everyone is open-minded and some comments may arise. Don't take everything personally, they're trying their best. You may say somethings that may offend them to keep the field even. Hehe!
-Keep in mind also that (if you partner has lots of money) that you will be included in the will at some point, so a little sucking up helps. E.g. "Mrs. Martin, your prize winning rosebush just takes my breath away." Or "Mr. Burns is that a new cologne? Calvin Klein suits you."
-Eat carrots; they help you see better.
-Don't forget to show the folks how much you'll be there for their child... some parents want to know their little boy/girl/both that they will be cared for and loved.
5. What if you dial the wrong number on the phone and there's an awkward silence?
Somehow find out if their not a total creeper and invite them out for coffee. You can never make too many friends, nor can there be too much coffee. There's a blessing in every encounter.
6. What if you're waiting to meet someone and you mistake that person for the person you're waiting for?
It's not the end of the world. Apologize and then resume waiting... if you've been waiting for more than an hour though, leave. There's no point.
7. What if you lose $500, 000 Deal or No Deal in the first round?
Wait for the best offer the Banker makes and take it (At least 6 figures)!
Sunday, July 5, 2009
The Woes and Sorrows of the North American Housewife
Note from the author: *A Work of Fiction*
So one day way back, circa 1950 or something, when I was "younger", I got a letter from this sweet young housewife. Now I have a problem with names and when I think of this letter, I completely forget it... so we'll just call her Jane. Here's her letter:
Dear Danni,
I have a problem with my husband. Now I know what you're thinking, but it's not what you think it is. My husband Howard treats me like a house servant. When we met he treated me like a princess, he took me out to nice dinners, we went to the latest movies (Camille was by far the best movie I ever saw!) and he bought me the nicest dresses I could ever dream of. Now I cook half-burned grocery store food, watch reruns on tv, and the nicest thing he bought me was a new mop. I cook, I clean, and I take care of our six kids. What can I do?
Signed, Looking-Un-Comfortable-Yet
I duely replied...
LUCY,
You're problem is very relatable for a lot of wives out there. He suffering from a sever case of what is called, marriage. Frank Sinatra said it best when he said "love and marraige go together like a horse and carriage." It's a convinience, my dear. Some men start off being Prince Charming, but then they just end up being toads... and the scary thing is you don't want to kiss them again... EVER. As for who is to blame, it certainly isn't his, nor yours for that matter. The fault is to the person who instigated the idea of marriage... I would say it was the priest or pastor who married you, but I don't dare deal in political or religious scandals. No, I blame the parents personally. They should be held responsible for your misery. They should have taught him how to better behave in a marital situation. I mean why treat you like Cinderella out of the ball, when he should be treating you like Cinderella at the ball. Now for the solution. My dear, you can jump-start his cold pulse by rekindleing the romance. Go to a clothing store. Nothing to fancy, maybe Macy's and by some sexy lingerie... and maybe a crop whip. The rest you can figure out on your own, but just remember to teach him who his "Mama" is.
Best of Luck,
Danni.
****
Okay, obviously not the best advice I'm given, but do I look like Ask Agnes? Not at all. Well, a few months later, I recieved a letter from LUCY again. She said she thanked me very much for the advice, and that it worked like a charm. Her and her husband and children have moved out of Howard's parents house and into a nicely sized apartments. Her children are in a good school instead of being home-schooled. And LUCY's staying at home has even gotten her the job of being a dominatrix. Boy that little crop whip sure gest around. But moral of the story is, don't give advice unless you know what you're talking about. I'm not married, nor do I have children, so who am I to give advice to a poor 1950's wife.
And as a side note, if you think Camille is a good movie (not that I've seen it or anything) then you MUST be really really really old!
Until next we meet, my readers.
So one day way back, circa 1950 or something, when I was "younger", I got a letter from this sweet young housewife. Now I have a problem with names and when I think of this letter, I completely forget it... so we'll just call her Jane. Here's her letter:
Dear Danni,
I have a problem with my husband. Now I know what you're thinking, but it's not what you think it is. My husband Howard treats me like a house servant. When we met he treated me like a princess, he took me out to nice dinners, we went to the latest movies (Camille was by far the best movie I ever saw!) and he bought me the nicest dresses I could ever dream of. Now I cook half-burned grocery store food, watch reruns on tv, and the nicest thing he bought me was a new mop. I cook, I clean, and I take care of our six kids. What can I do?
Signed, Looking-Un-Comfortable-Yet
I duely replied...
LUCY,
You're problem is very relatable for a lot of wives out there. He suffering from a sever case of what is called, marriage. Frank Sinatra said it best when he said "love and marraige go together like a horse and carriage." It's a convinience, my dear. Some men start off being Prince Charming, but then they just end up being toads... and the scary thing is you don't want to kiss them again... EVER. As for who is to blame, it certainly isn't his, nor yours for that matter. The fault is to the person who instigated the idea of marriage... I would say it was the priest or pastor who married you, but I don't dare deal in political or religious scandals. No, I blame the parents personally. They should be held responsible for your misery. They should have taught him how to better behave in a marital situation. I mean why treat you like Cinderella out of the ball, when he should be treating you like Cinderella at the ball. Now for the solution. My dear, you can jump-start his cold pulse by rekindleing the romance. Go to a clothing store. Nothing to fancy, maybe Macy's and by some sexy lingerie... and maybe a crop whip. The rest you can figure out on your own, but just remember to teach him who his "Mama" is.
Best of Luck,
Danni.
****
Okay, obviously not the best advice I'm given, but do I look like Ask Agnes? Not at all. Well, a few months later, I recieved a letter from LUCY again. She said she thanked me very much for the advice, and that it worked like a charm. Her and her husband and children have moved out of Howard's parents house and into a nicely sized apartments. Her children are in a good school instead of being home-schooled. And LUCY's staying at home has even gotten her the job of being a dominatrix. Boy that little crop whip sure gest around. But moral of the story is, don't give advice unless you know what you're talking about. I'm not married, nor do I have children, so who am I to give advice to a poor 1950's wife.
And as a side note, if you think Camille is a good movie (not that I've seen it or anything) then you MUST be really really really old!
Until next we meet, my readers.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Urinetown the Musical
I've heard some very interesting news... Consider:
What would happen if the water was gone? Have you ever thought about it? Have you ever wondered what it would be like?
Statistics show that the most water is used with toilets and urinals, both public and private. Now imagine that your bathroom has been permanently removed and your government has announced toilets would be privatized... in other words, you have to pay to pee.
Urinetown the Musical is based on this idea.
Caldwell B. Cladwell, the man who is charge of the dirtiest, filthiest public amenity in town and a smooth-talking senator, Fipp, plot to raise the price for the use of the public urinal.
The plots goes and we learn that those who don't pay the pee-fee... they are sent to Urinetown. "A metaphysical place of sorts" or so the locals say. Nobody knows what awaits Urinetown, all live in fear of the phantom town... known as Urinetown!
If this weren't enough, Bobby not only falls in love with Cladwell's only flesh-and-blood daughter, Hope Cladwell, leads a protest with the poor people of the town, to fight against Cladwell and his money-grubbing Urine Good Company (U.G.C.) crew.
The show has been successful off-Broadway, then on Broadway... recently it played in Vancouver, and now the relatively small but talent-laden town of Summerland, B.C. has taken on the task of putting on this show.
The cast is small, with several leads playing in the chorus as well. These are definately a talented bunch as they all participate in almost every single scene and musical number throughout the show. Rehearsals are coming to a close and the show is about to go on, everyone is now feeling the pressure now that we're coming down to the crunch...
Now Consider:
What are you doing in the week of august 4th to the 8th? What could you be doing? You could be sitting home watching the same old boring television... or...
You could be watching an epic struggle for life, liberty and freedom... to pee! See a colorful bunch of characters fight against an oppressive company plotting to take away man's one and only sacred right... watch as man struggles to free their porcelain throne! And yes... it's family friendly!
Okay enough of the jokes... the show runs August 4-8 all 8pm showings. Tickets are $15 at the door or at the Sweet Tooth located in downtown Summerland!!!
What would happen if the water was gone? Have you ever thought about it? Have you ever wondered what it would be like?
Statistics show that the most water is used with toilets and urinals, both public and private. Now imagine that your bathroom has been permanently removed and your government has announced toilets would be privatized... in other words, you have to pay to pee.
Urinetown the Musical is based on this idea.
Caldwell B. Cladwell, the man who is charge of the dirtiest, filthiest public amenity in town and a smooth-talking senator, Fipp, plot to raise the price for the use of the public urinal.
The plots goes and we learn that those who don't pay the pee-fee... they are sent to Urinetown. "A metaphysical place of sorts" or so the locals say. Nobody knows what awaits Urinetown, all live in fear of the phantom town... known as Urinetown!
If this weren't enough, Bobby not only falls in love with Cladwell's only flesh-and-blood daughter, Hope Cladwell, leads a protest with the poor people of the town, to fight against Cladwell and his money-grubbing Urine Good Company (U.G.C.) crew.
The show has been successful off-Broadway, then on Broadway... recently it played in Vancouver, and now the relatively small but talent-laden town of Summerland, B.C. has taken on the task of putting on this show.
The cast is small, with several leads playing in the chorus as well. These are definately a talented bunch as they all participate in almost every single scene and musical number throughout the show. Rehearsals are coming to a close and the show is about to go on, everyone is now feeling the pressure now that we're coming down to the crunch...
Now Consider:
What are you doing in the week of august 4th to the 8th? What could you be doing? You could be sitting home watching the same old boring television... or...
You could be watching an epic struggle for life, liberty and freedom... to pee! See a colorful bunch of characters fight against an oppressive company plotting to take away man's one and only sacred right... watch as man struggles to free their porcelain throne! And yes... it's family friendly!
Okay enough of the jokes... the show runs August 4-8 all 8pm showings. Tickets are $15 at the door or at the Sweet Tooth located in downtown Summerland!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)