Explanation

Great way to restart the blog in the new year.

So clearly I'm upset, as you can probably tell from my last post. Since honesty is my best policy and I really could care less who reads this right now, as I know only three of you who are out there, probably NOT reading it ANYWAY (especially cuz we're friends, we just share things.)

Here goes. Today I was excited because I was going on a date. Emphasis on was. I got up early enough to do some cleaning which has only just gotten messier, I still need to fold my laundry and I have to call in for work. That's right I'm working now! YAY!

My date unfortunately canceled. I'm not mad at him (well kinda) and I'm severely disappointed in myself. I have high expectations. I also fear the worst. I don't know from whom I get this in my family but I do get it from someone. He had told me there was a party the other night and I hope he had fun, because my evening sucked up the ass in the worst way possible. More on that later.

It could be that I'm obssessing but I'm hurt and I'm afraid I might be bothering him and his massive hang over by trying to get in touch with him to arrange for something the next day. I'm afraid of pushing him away and actually, I'm afraid he won't like me. I, I, I, I, I...

The other night I went out for a little dinner and fun with another fellow. He was nice, he was a gentleman and it was clear what he wanted... it was more than a dinner. We finish go back to his place fool around until shirts and pants came off and we were on his floor so close to actual sex it was kinda hot... for about half an hour. Then I wanted to leave. I hadn't even finished yet and already I wanted to leave. He asked why and being the person that I am I clamed up, I told him I didn't know.

Have you ever been in a situation where the truth is completely superficial, but the fact that he's paid for dinner, and pushed on you to pick out a dessert when really you could covered your own check and gotten a frosty at Wendy's, and everything he's done and doing is scaring you!? That's what that was. I couldn't put my finger on it last night, but I've had time. I REALLY can't stand chivalry, and he's everything to do with it! Romantic, charming, heaping wallet of cash, French... oh yeah! He's knight in shining armor without the noble steed and I HATE that!

What is wrong with me?

How to Lose your head over a man:

Here are some easy steps to lose your head over some guy who legit has an excuse for not showing up, has txted you and now you're all depressed.

1. Show up early. Nothing gets your emotional cycle going like showing up early and then getting the dreaded news.

2. Follow through. Doing the activity which could be but is not limited to: having dinner, going walking, have coffee, bookstore hopping etc.

3. Hyperventilating!

4. txting him "It's okay if you're late." then several different messages later you finally hit on the idea that he's not going to show up. BUMMER!!!

5. Taking the long way home (see 3)

6. You consider several options such as hunting him down, committing suicide, dumpster diving (?) removal from life (but that would hurt too much and you kinda wanna give the dope a second chance.) and the list goes on.

I'm sure this page makes no sense to you whatsoever, but I needed to get this out into the world. I'm sorry. I'm going to climb into my bed, scream into my pillow and try and regain some sobriety back.

Pasta for dinner.

Imagination

I challenge everyone to find what is important to them and make a video. I did it on imagination.

It's one of the most important things for me because it's the one thing for me to use to create new things. With imagination we can all do wonderful things.

For instance we can create totally new worlds, creatures nobody has seen, a whole new breed of animal or class or race of human, and even tell amazing stories. The possibilities are endless. Without it we wouldn't have the amazing and even simplest things we have now: the indoor light, indoor plumbing, elevators, airplanes, electricity, cars, nor would we even consider life on other planets without it.

Imagine the things you can create, do, see, and be. Imagine the people you could meet. Imagine how many worlds there really are. This is what makes life worth living and exciting. Have your own adventures and invite your friends.

Have you imagined yet?

One Week

I'm a little worried about going home.

I mean It would be exciting to go back home for the summer but I'm afraid i have nothing to look forward to. I mean, I have family, but I may have to look for work, which in this day and age is just common sense and I've been expecting that. But every year I change more and more. I'm always afraid being left out, or left alone. I also hope things work out in whatever prospects I have.

Let me explain: I word this this way because I want to protect certain people from anything because... well it's complicated and I can't help but feel responsible for what's happened. Beleive it or not it's happened since this one week at the end of May. That's all I can say because those of you reading can understand why I don't want to hurt anyone because I have been hurt. i don't want to be the cause of anyone's pain and if ever anyone deserves and explanation I would give it to them to the best of my ability. In return all I ask is that we remain friends no matter what.

I love everyone I come in contact with and even if I don't show it I feel it. It's hard to believe but I look forward to seeing how that will be interpreted.

Until next time...

Wigs: a few good looks in review

So today I was inspired to do a retrospective look at the wigs in my life. Being a drag queen I take pride in all of my wigs, as they are all a part of my life in different aspects of my personality.

As the picture says this is a FaceinHole.com picture where I put my face in a Jefree Starr pic. I like pink on my skintone. A friend of mine said that my skin has too much red pigment in it to wear any red or pink... how little she knows now.

This is actually my natural hair. It's probably the best look since removing my wig. This was from my closing number at a friend's place where I did a small show. It was fun, and th wig i had on started to bug me, so before when I had originally planned to remove it, I took it off and this is the look I had. I like this look and only wish I could replicate it.

Another FaceinHole picture but from Zorro. I like this picture because it is an adorable way for me to own a corset that I would otherwise never have in my lifetime... but then again I'm only 20, life has only just begun.

This is one interesting pic because I just found it and liked it. I forgot I had it. I love my face, I love my eyes, I love my lips and for the first time I love my nose in this picture. In fact I like everythin about this picture. This was probably the first day I had this wig because it does not look crazy or tangled or messed up. This was from haloween last year when i couldn't go to a musical theatre mid-term show because I took too long doing make up. That'll learn me.

This is my cher wig. Everyone needs a big 80's 90's look to make a statement. In this picture my statement is "Whatchyoulookinat,bitch?!"

This is one of my more photogenic wigs. It's called "Sandy" but I like to call it my "Big Lucy" wig. Whenever I want to feel like a larger than life Lucille Ball circa 1960 I throw this one on and do my best "EEEEEEEW!" face. I've performed with this one many times in intimate settings, and at my second appearance at a club downtown. She's a curly wig and this is one of my best photos of her being her curliest.

This is one of the more human haired wigs I recently bought (on sale). The photo was taken at a very recent drag show a friends place. I believe the song I was doing here was "How Can Heaven Love Me" or "Fleurs du Mal" both by Sarah Brightman. i like this wig because it's the most realistic, the newest and easier to maintain. The dress is gorgeous but believe it or not was a marked down haloween costume from the Superstore. Takes the value out of it but it works for me. This wig though comes with short curls in the front for bangs and hangs gorgeously over my shoulders.

This is my Bette Paige wig. I love the blunt cut bangs and the way is just hangs. It also works for Morticia Addams which I have yet to do for haloween and should attempt. Not much more that I like to say about this wig.

You might recognize this wig from the main image of my profile and this blog. This is a wig I have in two colors. This one which is in Strawberry Blond, and another I have in black. Both work for a romantic, windswept and/or gothic look. This picture is one of my favorites (although all are my favorites of course). These wigs come with a imitation skin center part which you can move to the sides for a trendy look. The wig is fun and despite all the frizz it has now, it does not require brushing.

This is my first wig I ever owned. I call it my Jem wig because, in this picture, I was attempting an 80's hair band look... it failed. This wig comes with bangs but is the most synthetic of my synthentic hair. It looks good in photos of course but that's how it is.

Drag Event part 2

The following week was hell week. My decision at the end of this story will hopefully be justified, but if not, I hope to put things into perspective.

I had arrived along with my drag mother on time. We were made up and I observed as she put on her face. She took me through the step by step when she made me up, but I could actually see it when she made herself up.

While doing so we discussed certain person she told me to avoid imitating. I was intimidated by the knowledge work and persperation she explained with exact detail. She lived drag, she was drag... a true rising star. To this day I hope she reaches the hieghts she so incredibly worked for. I hope for myself to reach my own hieghts in my own career.

The show went on... I was first. Barefoot in a floorlength midnight blue gown, red curls on ivory shoulders, a belly-dancers belt at my waist I stepped onstage of the masterpiece that soon fell apart before my eyes. I lost the shoes that my drag mother gave me, my waits was small and my belt was too big and fell... It was removed only to distract the choreography.

The song once again was an unknown arbian-crossover pop tune by Sarah Brightman. Harem. This didn't seem to be accepted well and I felt I made a fool of myself. I, shame ridden, left the stage. It was obvious why they selected me to be first in the line-up.

That night I lost the man I loved... or there was a part of it that lead to the several steps that would essentially have me lose the man I loved... suspicion is a harsh criminal and I feel in my heart I may not have loved him as I thought I did and I wanted to die in my shameful night.

I do not use this night to judge my experience, but I hope to return to that stage where I had so started a horrible debut, but I feel I have ruined my chances and will follow my original passion. Although it will always be a talent. I will always be who I am and be what I want to be. I will revolutionize the world and make a change for people like me.

I don't think it is Drag itself that I am aiming for. Maybe it's something greater, something skin deep that makes me who I am. I await the day I discover what true potential lies hidden in me. I long for love as well as any other human being does as well...

Drag Event part 1

It was soon to be an experience I would never forget. I was so scared and excited that I really was bouncing off of the walls due to the lack of sleep I had from the night before. The first day I stepped on stage in drag should have been the most exhillirating day of my life.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

I arrived at the club, early. Unbeknownst to me, my drag-mother (the one who would do my make-up) was late. It left little time for me and her to prepare, luckily my song was ready and well rehearsed.

During the make-up session, I recieved a lot of worldly, expert advice from the best of the best. She was by far one of the best but probably around the same age, if not older than I was. I still remember the words of wisdom amoungst the campy and happy-go-lucky laughter we shared.

I had three costume piecess on, to be removed during the number, at least two layers of facial foundation and make up caked on my face, and heels I had only recently just broken into and had twisted my ankle in the porcess. I also had a wig on... backstage i looked like I was panicking but really I was sweating my tits off.

The number I did was an unknown, but catchy enough for a club. Sarah Brightman and Chris Thompson's How Can Heaven Love Me was a fun number. It was better when I tore the final piece of my costume off of my body at the highest note that Sarah sings in the song. I had a good reception from the crowd and I recieved a good, hearty round of applause.

I was to return the following week.